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Monday, September 28, 2015

Immortality

Sixteen years and that is how they ended things?

Last night was the series swan song for CSI (the original). They titled the finale Immortality Parts 1 and 2. The only thing that was immortal was the length! That two hours drug on like it was a screening of Vanilla Sky (the longest and worst movie in history).

When a show promotes its storyline as “an event that paralyzes Las Vegas” it really should have an event that paralyzes the city. Immortality did not. There was an explosion in one fake casino owned by Catherine Willows. The city went on with life like all the explosion was was a malfunctioning Strip attraction. It did explain how/why Catherine came back to town so I will give them a point for that. I will take that point away though because of the Lady Heather connection and Grissom knowing her better than anyone. Actually, I am going to take two points away for each of those (score: -1),

Grissom is in San Diego, living on a boat and being all CSI: The Open Seas (-1). He gets detained by either SDPD or Harbor Patrol and doesn’t use his Nick Stokes connection (-2) (score: -4). Conrad apparently gets him released and on a plane to Vegas because of Lady Christian Grey (-1). This after he makes a jumped the shark reference (I am going to let that slide even though it was a really poor delivery).

Sara is applying for the lab director position because Sam Malone is going to CSI: Cyber to hang with The Beek. (+1 for Sam – no effect on CSI). Oh, I almost forgot Brass is/was working security for Cat at the casino even though I thought he skipped town to take care of his murdering heartless daughter. 

Gil, Jim, Cat, Sara and Diebenkorn (D.B.! +1, -2.5 (Gil & Jim are no longer LVPD or even any sort of law enforcement and are just chillin’ like it ain’t no thing and Cat wouldn’t be allowed that close to an investigation that involves her business even if she is FBI) are all sitting around talking about the case and Sara gets a bit jealousnarky re: Gil & Lady Heather. It is like it was some 14 years ago when Sara had this giant hard on for Grissom (-1). Also he knows what the gold keys to Christian Grey’s red room look like (+1) Yawn. (Score: -6.5)

Holy, crap where are we? Oh, some random teacher dons a suicide bomb vest and is supposed to take out the entire Little Miss Sunshine pagent, but instead just takes out herself and some poor bomb unit guy who lost at roshambo. Conveniently they find some random flowers in her classroom and Gil the Science Guy determines they are full of some mind controlling pollen that acted faster than when Scarface went head on into a mountain of blow and suddenly she was able to be convinced to put on the vest and then boom her and bomb tech. (-3)

They can’t find Lady Heather. Go figure. But find a lot of blood in her house, but no worries, it’s not hers. And even if it was, it could have totally been a Gone Girl type sitch. After some science-y stuff Sara & Jim because why not him, head back to Lady Heather’s and Sara see’s Heather and chases after her, but she gets into a car and it goes boom and Brass gets flames all on him and has to go to the hospital and we never see him again. (-1 +1)

During the autopsy of Lady Heather, everyone stands around like it’s their first day in autopsy class at Grey Sloane Memorial and one look at her fingers and Gil leaves, heads to some bar and meets Lady Heather. He knew she wasn’t dead because she never takes off her rings (-3).  (Score: -12.5)

He convinces her to go to PD and then asks that they “respect” her during interrogation. Because all suspects of bombings and terrorism deserve to not be waterboarded. Also, the interrogators are Sara, Morgan, Catherine and Diebenkorn, because they have done away with actual detectives in Las Vegas and the CSIs do it all (-6). There is all Lady Heather and Sara snarkyness and Sara runs off like a prom queen whose boyfriend was getting a bj under the bleachers, and Cat chases after her because…well probably because someone on the crew realized she would never be allowed to interrogate the suspect that may have bombed her casino. (-2) (Score: -20.5)

Blah blah more stuff, happens and there is some eager new CSI 1 who is bouncing around and brings in Gil’s suitcase and they determine that is not his suitcase and Cat yells bomb and everyone runs. They bring in Johnny Five to scan the suitcase and find a body inside. During autopsy, Super Dave finds an sd card in dead man’s mouth and that leads to a convenient video that connects some dots. So Gil decides to sit outside and draw a whale in his art book. Cat asks him to teach the new girl some skills and he is all like, “nah, I’d rather just hang here and color” and the best line of the night goes to Cat when Gil asks where the new girl came from and she says “my vagina”. Yep in case you weren’t expecting it because of standard soap opera protocol, new girl is Lindsey. So Gil is obligated to teach her how to dust for prints by using the tried and true Dr. Seuss rhyming method. (-5, +1, -3: -7)

Linds finds the one random sticker that leads to a drawing and coordinates to an abandoned building where Grissom goes in alone and unarmed because it makes total sense. He finds a cadaver doll and when he and the good doctor autopsy it they discover bees and that leads to Gil and Sara in Out of Las Vegas tracking bees and then testing to see if they have human parts present on them when they return. Yes it was as dumb and contrived as it sounds (-7).

They figure out through some sort of DNA and other voodoo that one of Heather’s clients is responsible and they track him to his apartment building where he is not, but there are three random cars with bombs in their trunks. Instead of say clearing the building and hauling ass, Cat, Greg & Morgan stay to defuse the situation. (-7) Meanwhile Gil & Sara have found Mr. Submissive who has cancer and that is why his initial DNA swab didn’t match anything and yada yada, (-2) he has a suicide bomb strapped to him and the detonator/timer for the car bombs and about six gun site lasers on him and threatens to blow up the garage and pull the rip cord on his vest, ending the audience’s misery, but fails to come through (-100)

He blames Grissom for taking Heather away from him and Grissom gives him some lame ass story about a stupid male whale who sings a song to low for any potential lady whale partner to here and then pulls the rip cord. (-3) Nothing explodes (-500) nor does the garage (-500). Sara gets the lab director job, then Lindsey puts the tape of Gil & Lady Heather on her desk and basically tells her to just watch the end and then she goes to San Diego and she and Grissom literally sail off into the sunset. (-vomit covered 1000). Oh and Catherine who broke the news of the death of their mother to two little girls before finding out if they had any family, has decided she wants to return to Las Vegas and run the lab that her daughter works in and raise these little girls because adoption officials are going to completely overlook her slutty attire and sketchy past and let her have these children and you know nepotism is fine in law enforcement. (-749.5)

No flashback to Warrick or Nick (-2000 for Nick and -104 for Warrick – dude may have had his problems, but he deserves some sort of shout out).

Final Score: -5000


I can’t believe this is the story they came up with for a series finale. There were hour long episodes that were more intense than this. They could have done so much and made such a statement and impact and they end it with every Grissom/Sara shippers dream…them sailing into the sunset together. My own brain wanted to strap on a suicide vest and pull the cord after watching this. I could have stared at the moon for two hours and been more entertained! I am so very disappointed that this is how they went out. For such a groundbreaking show to actually bury itself in mundane clich├ęs instead of actually breaking ground and going out with a bang is a disservice to all of those people who watched and cared about this, who anticipated something amazing. I would be embarrassed to have my name in those writing credits. 

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