Today's News Whenever You Feel Like It

Today’s top story: Our ace journalist, me, discovered that people are still knitting highly ugly items. Not only are these people killing fashion with needles, they are displaying the carcases on their own persons. This station had footage, but it was deemed to graphic to show all of you. It has further become apparent that some knitting criminals are selling and/or gifting these items. If you should become ensnared in such a monstrosity, please proceed with extreme haste to your nearest junk or tool drawer, retrieve the scissors and cut the item from your person. It is also recommended that you seek trauma counseling to deal with the effects you and your loved ones may suffer.

In business news: Citicard hires fucktards to work for them. In a trend that is sweeping the nation, Citicard, the folks that handle Staples Business Credit Cards has decided to jump on the short bus and hire the stupid people. This reporter spent several long agonizing moments about 8 weeks ago getting an application approved and a card mailed out. Citicard mailed the card and only the card. So when one of my minions went to use said card today, it would not work. After an excrutiatingly long wait listening to generic muzak, I was transferred five times and told that they needed verification that the place where they sent the card exists. They sent a card that can’t be used because they need verification that the address and program exits. So after explaining to them that there is no business license or articles of incorporation for a facility, not a business per se, a facility that our corporation operates, I finally wrote a dumbed down special for them letter and faxed it off with a request that they call me. They have yet to return the call. More on this developing story as it becomes available.

In entertainment news, it was revealed on last nights 90210 (turn away if you don’t want to know) that Dylan is Kelly’s baby daddy. As was reported earlier by our own, me, this comes as no surprise. Our investigative story revealed that Dylan was the logical choice once all the clues fell into place. First was the “he’s coming, got to go”, followed closely by the “Brandon told me when he called from Belize”, followed by “We had a thing in high school, drifted apart and then came back together”, followed by “Unless HE’s come back” followed by last nights revelations that “he” is a “do-gooder that is half way around the world”, followed up with discussion between Kelly & Brenda’s “Sammy’s father, he, him” and topped off with Brenda’s “Face it Kelly, your still in love with Dylan” We break it down for you. It is most likely safe to assume that Kelly’s young son would not be coming into her bedroom at 3 a.m. and she would be wide awake and proceed to tickle him. Further, as you may recall Kelly didn’t have a thing with Brandon in high school, but she did with Dylan. It is also safe to assume that Brandon would not abandon his child because Jim & Cindy raised the farm boy better than that. And finally, when Brenda say’s Dylan it is pretty much a slam dunk that he sired the young blonde carrot top. After the break, thoughts on 90210 generation z.

While the main focus of 90210 for fans of the mother ship, Beverly Hills 90210, has been the baby daddy drama, new fans are more focused on the younger set. There’s Annie, the sickly sweet naïve vocal powerhouse, her adopted twin brother from another mother Dixon who is out to make his father proud, Ethan, the love sick surfer, Adrianna, the drug addicted actor, Silver, the dysfunctional loner and Naomi, the over botoxed 40 something hag. Thrown in the mix are the eccentric former actor grandmother, Kansas bred mom, California bred jock dad and a philandering father and clueless mother of the hag.

People who didn’t watch the original don’t seem to care much for the new crew and those that watched the original are searching for characters of long ago. It is still up in the air if this series will live to see a full season pickup.

In sports news today: Do you vote with your heart or your head? And I am talking about online polls and such. I ask this because I just voted on espn.com’s nhl page and I voted with my heart. The question was, “Will the Flyers make the post season playoffs” essentially. I voted no, because I have nothing but pure, raw hatred for the Flyers. But then again, I am a self respecting Penguins fan. So I voted with my heart. I think I do that a lot. I vote how I want things to be not necessarily how I think they should be because isn’t that what we do when choosing a president? We choose who we want, what we want to happen, what we hope will happen, not what we think will happen. That’s different though than a stupid espn poll. We don’t have the power to control what those douchebag flyers will do this season. Not unless, we start Tonya Hardinging them with clubs in dark parking lots as they exit with their ho trains.

Here’s what we are working on for tomorrow’s edition: Bones, more sexual innuendo or a gnarly new case? Criminal Minds, who got blown up in the repeat of last season’s finale. Also, thoughts on the announcement that Candace Bushnell, the creator of fashion victim Carrie Bradshaw’s new venture, The Carrie Bradshaw Diaries, a look at the relationship challenged writer’s high school years. Until then, smoke the peace pipe and elect a democrat!

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