Breaking News

Borefest draws in a large crowd, the Douchebag Spotlight shines and I may never be able to retire. This is the Fat Journal’s News.

Welcome to today’s blog cast. Those stories and no more coming up, but first, there is breaking news out of Lard Land. There has been a fat derailment and it is affecting me. The derailment happened long before the dreaded dieting started but came to a full head about five weeks ago, when this reporter pretty much said, “fuck it”. Since that time, I have rediscovered the goodness that is Burger King and McDonalds. Reports indicate that there are two books on weight loss currently collecting dust on a shelf, possibly choking them to death. Also, it was reported that a stability ball was spotted just sitting idly by, less than two feet from the fat ass while she ate a cookie dough pie from BK. This story continues to develop and we will get to the bottom of the Ben & Jerry’s pint before we put this to rest.

Dick Lick is in tonight for Jerry Tightend in sports…Dick. Well there is not much to report Fat Ass. NHL started pre-season games on Saturday night. Versus has announced the NHL schedule for this year. First game is on channel 404 (check your local listings) on October 5th.

Thank’s Dick! Now we go over to our own Dick Douche for the Douchebag Report. Dick?

Thanks Fatty. Great to be here. In tonight’s douchebag spotlight, the light shines on Spencer Pratt. Now, I am no fan of The Hill’s, but the guy is a totally superb douche, telling his fiancĂ©’s sister to get the eff out of their apartment. Never mind you that she had just moved to Beverly Hills from some Podunk town in Kansas or somewhere nobody cares about and didn’t have a job or any where else to go. It’s a true blessing that Heidiho has scooped that winner up!

A story we covered a few days ago has a happy ending. It appears the Citicard hired at least two people who are not fatally retarded. The Staples card has been unblocked and is ready to be used. May the force be with the next one to try that card out.

In entertainment news, Borefest made a surprise uprising last night during the first three minutes of the Emmy Awards. I would like to relate more on that, but I nodded off and when I woke up, the five presenters were still on stage blathering on about having prepared nothing and I took that as my cue to do something worthless online to save a few brain cells. Continuing to bore me this year is Gossip Girl. Maybe I am too old to watch a show about filthy rich stuck up brats bitch about not getting the latest Prada bag and their trial and tribulations concerning senior year and the boyfriend game. But, there is nothing else on at 7:00 on Monday nights, so I will continue to watch. This week is the onset of the major network’s premier week. Tonight, CBS will be airing, the nonkilling of one of televisions most hated, ugly, retarded and completely worthless character Horatio Caine. Later in the week they continue to fuck with television viewers and premier the mind numbing Survivor. Knight Rider premiers on NBC on Wednesday night, the same time as Bones, so set your DVRs kids, you don’t want to miss out on Iceman as Kitt. Grey’s returns with a two hour premier on Thursday and ER kills a regular character on NBC (please let it be Abby or John Stamos).

In financial news, I may not have any retirement, but MSNBC said not to worry so I am not worrying and I am not paying attention to the financial market woes.
For the next episode we are working on a story about the Jonas Brothers…not all of them are jail bait! And continuing coverage of the lard land derailment tragedy. Until then, take a hit off the donkey bong and vote democrat!


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