Miracle Grow & Pig Spit

I should be knitting. Actually I knitted (loomed) a project, but I am not impressed with it. I am not sure what I will use it for, but it definitely won’t be for its intended purpose. So I should be working on something else. I am not though. Instead I am trying to keep to furry boys from getting into trouble. And there are some flashing lights on my printer that I need to deal with, but later. Okay, not later because they are driving me nuts! My color ink is low. It’s not enough that they pop up a message on my screen, but then they have incessant flashing lights that annoy a person who spends much of their time in the dark.

I get a massage in about 21 hours. I am very happy about that. I am also very happy that for the better part, if not all of the next two weeks I will be working in town!

I don’t watch football. I watch hockey. The Super Bowl, however, is on in the background. The only thing I care about is if I win some money and if New England wins. The few commercials I have seen have sucked ass big time. I do know that there is apparently a penalty for having too many men on the field, much like having too many men on the ice. The difference is, some guy does not have to sit on the sidelines for two minutes, but some team either gains yardage or loses yardage or some such nonsense. Like I said, I don’t care.

Since we are on the subject of things I do not care about…Days of Our Lives. I watch it sporadically. I catch glimpses while I turn on my computer when I get home from work. I read about it in the Digest (Soap Opera Digest). That is it. I don’t pay attention to every story. If I did, I would need to have a brain transplant. I do however read the interesting things. Such as…on this week’s cover, there is a picture of Belle & Shawn (not the originals, these newbie that are pure crap) with the words “OUT!” So, I, being kind of excited, but not so much that I will wet myself, open up to the article and read that indeed Shawn & Belle are no longer going to be on the show. I am ready to burst with joy. But I am reserved. I mention this because as some of you will remember a few months ago, it was announced that the forever constipated looking John Black was dead…D-E-D (it’s a Grease 2 reference (if you haven’t seen it shame on you)). I was beside myself with joy. Never had I felt so much happiness…okay well I had and quite more to be honest, but I want you to realize how happy I was. Then a few weeks later, darkness and despair wielded their way into my happy sans John world when it was announced that he was alive. Can you fucking believe that? My dream come true and it turns out to be a crock of shit!

So John John returns. If you haven’t watched or read, here is what apparently happened. John died in the hospital and the physicians (paging former police woman turned criminal aider and abettor turned all around specializing doctor Lexie, newly named chief of staff at a hospital that has more test result changes than a Texas high school football team) pronounced him dead. He was embalmed and laid out for the family to cry over and eulogized before being lowered into the frozen earth. Then…in the middle of the night, Stefano sends out his cronies to unearth John Black, bring him back, reinfuse him with cat and dog blood (sorry have you ever noticed how there are no animals on soap operas? The only explanation is that their blood is used to revitalize dead people), then used a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to scrub his brain. After all of that he was dressed in some black sweaties and a hoodless hoodie and strapped to a tall dining room chair. Then, they pulled out some sunglasses circa 1986 (the kind that were just a band of sunglass material that didn’t fold, didn’t have defined eye lenses…getting it yet?) that had some headphone wires duct tapped and then stretched to some old Apple computer, which we were led to believe images were transferred to his brain. It should be noted that this happened before and when he was found, in mercenary mode, Marlena used some Miracle Grow and Pig Spit to bring his memories back.

At this point, the only memories that John has is that he has a mission to kill someone. Well we find out that this someone is the supposedly dead Colleen Brady (Grandpa Shawn’s nun sister who boinked Stefano’s father before flinging herself off a cliff in Ireland). Turns out that Sister Colleen, faked her death (never mind that she had already committed a mortal sin by boning Stefano’s father while she was getting ready to marry the Lord, but then faking her own death? This woman is definitely going to burn in the fiery depths of hell), moved to South Africa. Well John and Marlena fast track it to Ireland. John takes Marlena and slams her head in to the wall. How sweet is that? That is love right there people. The super couple is back! Then he gets ready to knife one-foot-in-the-grave Colleen when she drops the bomb that she is his mommy. So then he develops a feeling. And apparently that feeling is that he can’t fail, and if he fails, then he must take his own life. To which I am so happy about and then that fancy ass Bo (who might have a terminal illness) comes to stop him and John is like “Well then I’ll just kill you” and Bo is like “Let’s sing Kumbaya (sp)” They hug it out and all is well. Except for Marlena who is bleeding and has the mother of all headaches, but not to worry, she fell off a ledge and was in a coma for like a year before waking up and seeing her husband Roman who didn’t look like he used to because he had a face transplant after Stefano “killed” him. Not to worry kids, she’s a trouper. A couple of Excedrin and an Icy Hot and she will be back to her possessed by the devil self.

With me so far children? What was I talking about? Oh yeah, so nu Shawn and nu Belle are history. And I am so happy because I hate looking at Belle. She is not a pretty girl. There is something about her face that bugs me. I mean she is not a dog, but I don’t call her pretty, but her portrayer shouldn’t feel bad because I don’t call myself pretty either. And well Shawn is just a pussy. And for all you Shelles out there…they are supposedly going to get their happy ending. Perhaps they can ride off on the same horse that Carrie & nuMike did back in the day. They literally road out of the show on a freaking white horse. It was very gayish…much like nuMike.

Oh and for anyone who is worried about Bo’s terminal illness. The magical cure of dog piss and a Miller Genuine Draft cocktail will be discovered by Kayla (who is knocked up by her husband at what? Like the ripe old age of 48? I mean how old is Stephanie? She didn’t have her when she was twenty, no she was well into her late twenties, early thirties when she popped that kid out), the nurse turned doctor in on script missed by the Tijuana vacationing continuity person.

Well son of a beaver’s hairy bottom’s uncle, New York is winning now. I don’t like football. Or announcers. Bunch of jump-on-the-bandwagon ass munchers.

So in other news: My weekend is all but over. I need to take a shower and shave my legs. I usually forget to shave before a massage and I can’t imagine that my stubbly legs feel good to the masseuse. Not like I should really care, I do pay $60 for an hour. I am so in the wrong business by the way. The only accomplishment I have to show this weekend is an f’ed up loomed project and my first recorded DVD! I was supposed to record some other stuff, but could not get up for it. There was hockey on and then I watched a movie and then I was watching Moment of Truth. I have to give props to the card carrying hair-club-for-men member who admitted to padding his tighty whities to look more endowed for all the chia pet loving women out there. He didn’t gamble away his kid’s college fund though…but if you are his coworker he will go through your things, steal money from the company and let you take the blame. He believes in teamwork. Oh yeah, if you haven’t watched it…well now you don’t have to. And just to piss you off even more…he takes $100,000!

I purchased some new clothes today. It would have been nice if I was wearing a bra when I tried them on. I like to believe that they will look even better with non-sagging boobs. I got like six things for $130. I got a camisole for like $5.50 and a skirt for $6.25. I picked up a pair of jeans because I need to start wearing jeans that don’t have an elastic waistband because you don’t have an ass in elastic jeans. I also picked up a jumper but I need to loose some boobage to wear it…I think it might work better with a bra. I also got another cami and a sweater. I know I shouldn’t have bought the stuff…but at least it wasn’t comfies. I found a comfy set I wanted at Wal-Mart but didn’t get it because Mom didn’t have that look of “Wow that’s cute” on her face. It was comfy though. I should have saved the money and just bought the elliptical. Hopefully I will get my camera this week. Oh I can’t wait.

Well I am going to go shave and pick out something cute and comfy for tomorrow. I have to step it up in the wardrobe department at work. I need to look like I feel pretty and not like I feel like dog shit. Which probably isn’t fair to dog shit because I don’t know what it feels like. I do know it smells horrid though. If I could figure out a use for it that people would pay a ton of money for, I would be rich. I mean Mom already mines it out of the snow and ice, all I have to do is figure out a use and clever marketing. Off to ponder.


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