This is me...

This started at myspace as a way to get ready to say goodbye to it (myspace), but it became so much more. I am posting this on all of my blogs because it feels right and it feels good to say some of this stuff. There are some f bombs in here, but deal with it. I am not all perfect and innocent.

This is me...

There was a time when I checked myspace a few times a day. Now I barely check it once every two days. It has lost its allure. That, and nobody on my friends list even talks to me much. So I am thinking, “what’s the point”.

It also leads to “Who uses myspace anyways?” Is it a place that is for younger people who everyone they meet is their friend? Is it for trying to hook up? Because let me tell you, if you accidentally mark the “here for relationships” box, you get unindated with messages. Most of them are from aging, slightly less attractive stalker types. For the longest time I didn’t use myspace. I don’t have the time to blog here and in my five other blogs. Quite honestly, there is really nobody here I read, because the people I know don’t blog, and if they do, it’s not here. I don’t need 1,000 people on my friends list to feel popular. I know I am not popular. I am okay with that…always have been. There is enough stress in life without being cautious about did I respond/didn’t I? Did I say something wrong? Who cares. My thoughts are my thoughts, if you don’t like them, don’t read it.

Further, I don’t have the energy to go find a new song every week, hell I don’t even visit my actual page so the song I have selected may have been deleted. I don’t care. Most of the time I can’t find any music I like anyways because I don’t listen to too much mainstream music anymore. I hate wading through pages filled with ads to try and find a new theme. I am almost to the point that if I do another survey/questionnaire, my brain just might say, “You know what, fuck you. Use me or lose me bitch!”

I don’t even know the true purpose behind myspace. I am sure the usual bs they feed you is that it is a place to reconnect, meet and stay in touch with friends. What a load of bullshit. It is a voyeur site that happens to be free. I am sure there are people who are blogging about sex. Hell, I have seen some friend requests that have some chick’s unnatural hairless ass in my face when I open it.

I am tired of denying spammers and blocking and reporting spam messages. I used to get messages, I don’t anymore. I kept up my end, I responded. Others, not so much. Not that it matters, because I am happier blogging in other places. Places where I feel comfortable being a little anonymous. Places where I don’t care if they read me or not, because I do this for me. I have many more favorites on other sites than I do here. The layout here is not comfortable or too user friendly in my opinion. I am quite tired of looking at html code. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
Perhaps myspace is for people with time. I don’t have that. I rather spend my time doing something more meaningful. I rather read a book or make something. I am not into making themes or skins or whatever the cool younger hip kids are calling it.

I am contemplating a lot this year. I into decluttering my life. I am getting rid of the shit I don’t use, I will never use and just don’t care about. This includes my books, my clothes, my crafts, and my online clubs/blogs/groups/etc. I am going to be entering my 32nd year of life at the end of March and I need to be doing things I want to be doing, not things I think I should be wanting to do. I am not in my twenties anymore. I can’t be acting like a teenager. I am a professional now, with a career and I need to get into that mindset. Funny I was in that mindset when I was a teen and then about the time I should really be getting into it, I revert to teenagerism. How pathetic.

I am going to cool it with the language too. It is not pretty. Nothing is really going to come of me calling someone a whore. Although, I do believe there are those that truly deserve the title and will continue to refer to them as that. My days of saying buttlicker are over, unless I am quoting Cartman. I need to do for me and not for others. I don’t need to join in the caravan of f bombers anymore. Not saying that there aren’t times where it is called for, there are, but most of the time I say it, it isn’t warranted. I don’t need anyone getting all preachy about how cursing is against god and all that. You will be wasting your time and energy. I am not going to listen to the Jesus talk. I believe, I have my own relationship, we are cool. You are not better than me because you go to church eight times a week and quote scripture. Believe me, you are not. No matter what you think. I am not a devil worshipper or some other way unpure because I have marked my body with tattoos. I am not less Christian than you because I don’t sing in choir or because I have never even read the bible. That’s right kids, I have not read the bible. You know why? It is not a book that is terribly interesting to me. It just isn’t. Doesn’t make me any less in God’s eyes than you. I could be a mass murderer and my beliefs tell me that I am loved just the same as a fucking saint. So, no lectures.

You know what else readers? Money doesn’t matter. If you are happy, you have all the wealth in the world. It doesn’t matter what toys you have. I have a lot of toys, but some of them don’t bring me happiness. I don’t have to buy Daughtry because he wins awards and was on American Idol. I don’t have to like country music because I live in Montana. I don’t have to feel weird for liking Barry Manilow AND Marilyn Manson. I can have Rob Zombie’s Pussy Liquor immediately preceding the Bee Gee’s How Deep is Your Love. I don’t have to read the Kite Runner because Oprah says I should. I can take pride in reading a Harlequin romance if I want to. If I want to watch soft core porn on Skinemax or read erotica online, that is okay.

I don’t have to have a terribly interesting life to be important. I can watch as much television as I want to and be called a dork or a nerd or a loser because I am not going out on a Friday night drinking and partying. It is okay that I was in bed by 10:30 on New Year’s Eve. I was up at 5:30 to go to work…were you?

It is more than okay that I live with my mom and consider her and my sister my best friends. There are no other people I would want to call my best friend. I know their love and friendship is true and not because I have a car to drive them where they want to go. I know that if they invite me somewhere to do something it is because they want to hang out with me and not because nobody else was around. You know, Mom worries that I don’t have any friends to do things with. I tell her not to worry, because it doesn’t matter to me. I don’t need fake people pretending to like me to get something from me. If I want to go to a movie and she doesn’t, fine. I can go alone, I don’t need someone.

It’s okay that I have never really had a real boyfriend. Who needs to waste time on something that isn’t true? I am okay with it. I don’t need to hang out in bars to meet that special someone. Because, if he is hanging out in a bar now, he is going to want to keep hanging out in a bar and that is not my scene. I like to stay home and watch television and read. Mr. Perfect does not exist in the real world, so it is okay to be with the one in my mind. He treats me right and loves me for me. I don’t need to lose weight if I don’t want to. I do want to, but not because I want to dress like a skanky slut, but because I need to be healthier. There are more larger people in the world than people think. We are not an anomaly. We are not the odd man out anymore. There are a lot of big and beautiful women.

This isn’t what I was expecting this post to run into, but I am glad it did. Not only because it took up some time I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with, but because it decluttered all the bullshit that people have made me believe and have put me through all these years.

Comment, don’t, it doesn’t matter. I am me and this is my life. I am pretty damn happy with it too. It could be worse. It could be a lot worse.


Anonymous said…
I don't get messages anymore on myspace either. I think partly because I don't leave messages for anyone else to read. You are right though... it could be a lot worse.

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